


Hold it Against You

by Sasa_Q



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: I've put my grubby little transgender hands on both Garak and Julian, M/M, and you cannot stop me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-06
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:01:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27413152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sasa_Q/pseuds/Sasa_Q
Summary: Garak and Julian both want to come out to each other as transgender.
Relationships: Julian Bashir/Elim Garak
Comments: 11
Kudos: 71





	Hold it Against You

Garak ached with the realization that he needed to tell Julian. He didn't like talking about his past or his personal life. Julian knew that. He had accepted it, had accepted Garak. And Garak had accepted Julian, human as he was. They had been dating for months now. They held hands often, kissing in both the Cardassian and human ways. Garak had gotten used to Julian's lips on his, or on his neck scales, tender and soft. He had gotten used to the feeling of Julian's fingers intertwining in his, their warmth. He had gotten used to the way Julian smelled, the way he laughed, the way he smiled.

That was why it hurt so much that Garak had to spoil it all.

He was sitting in Julian's quarters, having some replicated red leaf tea as Julian talked about his day at work. They had made a habit of having dates in their quarters sometimes so they could cuddle and read their books together afterwards. Julian had given him an actual physical copy of "The Fellowship of the Ring" to read, and during their past few dates, they had curled up together on the couch as Garak read it, with Julian asking him occasional questions.

But Garak knew that there would be none of that tonight. The time had finally come for Garak to open up and tell Julian. And it wasn't going to be easy.

"...three surgeries," Julian was saying. "It's a miracle I don't fly into pieces over how tense I am all the time. Although being with you helps. It helps to talk to you." He looked up at Garak. "Are you listening?"

Garak felt awful. "I'm sorry," he said. "It's just that there's been something on my mind."

"There's been something on my mind too," Julian said.

"Why don't you tell me about it?" Garak asked.

"No, you first," said Julian. "Tell me. What is it, Elim?" After Garak didn't answer for several moments, Julian said in a gentle voice, "It's okay, Elim. You can tell me."

Garak clasped his hands together. "I wish there was an easy way for me to tell you this," he said. "I..." He couldn't say it.

Julian looked worried. "What is it?" he asked. "It's all right. Just tell me."

"I wasn't exactly, well, what I mean to say is..." Garak's voice trailed off. "On Cardassia, there are a strict set of rules when it comes to gender. I..."

"What is it?" Julian asked.

"I wasn't born a man," Garak blurted out. "That's it. I wasn't born a man."

For a moment, Julian just stared. Then he did the worst thing Garak could ever imagine: he started laughing. It was shocked laughter, surprised, maybe not humored but still true. Julian was grinning so hard his face must hurt.

Garak felt tears spring to his eyes. He went to say "I don't know what's so amusing" but what actually happened was he started crying.

Immediately, Julian stopped laughing. His face looked shocked. "Oh, no," he said. "Elim, I'm sorry. I wasn't laughing at you." Garak couldn't breathe very well. "Oh, hey, no, I didn't mean it like that. I'm sorry."

Garak tried to say something but he couldn't. It was too hard to breathe properly.

Julian grabbed one of his hands. "Elim, deep breaths. In and out. In and out. There you go, just like that. There you go."

Eventually, Garak could talk. "Why did you laugh?" he asked. His voice sounded strangled.

"It was just because I was so surprised," Julian said. "I wasn't expecting that. Because, well, I wasn't born a man either."

"What?" Garak exclaimed. "Both of us, we're...?"

"Yes," said Julian. "I guess so."

"I don't believe it," Garak said. "I can't tell!"

"I can't tell with you either," Julian said.

"There's no need to flatter me," Garak said.

"No, it's true!" said Julian. "Honest. Come here." He led Garak to the couch, and sat down, patting the space beside him. Garak sat down. Julian enveloped him in his arms. "I would never laugh at you, Elim," he said. "I promise. I love you."

Garak leaned into Julian. "I love you too," he said, his voice muffled by the embrace.

"You must have been so scared to tell me," Julian said.

"I was terrified," Garak admitted. "I didn't know how you would react. And when you laughed, I thought maybe... maybe it was all like some kind of cruel joke to you."

"Not at all," Julian said. "Though you have to admit it is an interesting coincidence that the both of us are in a relationship together, and we're both transgender."

"Maybe not that much of a coincidence," said Garak.

Julian ran his fingers through Garak's hair. The gesture soothed him. "I want you to know, Elim, that I love you. No matter what," Julian said.

"And I love you no matter what," Garak said.

"It can't be easy to be transgender on a planet like Cardassia Prime," said Julian. "From what I know of Cardassian gender and sexuality, people like us aren't exactly the norm."

"You have no idea," said Garak. "I faced discrimination like you wouldn't believe. But... but I don't like talking about it, if you don't mind." He paused. "You really couldn't tell?"

"I promise," Julian said. "Oh, Elim. I'm so glad I'm with someone like you."

"A Cardassian? A man? A transgender person?" Garak asked. "Or are you alluding to the more murky aspects of my past, hm?"

"Just... you," Julian said. "A combination of all the things that make you you. I'm just so glad I'm here with you right now. I know you're not happy about how your life has ended up, but I'm glad that you're here on Deep Space Nine with me. Is that selfish of me?"

"Maybe a little," Garak said. "But I won't hold it against you."

**Author's Note:**

> If it's not obvious, I, the writer, am transgender. And for a while I've fought it, but now I can truly say, f*ck it. All the characters can be trans.  
> If you liked this, please leave a comment! I'd love to hear from you. :)


End file.
